Publicity

How to have an affair
- Prevashni Ramsamy

We're not big on obeying the Ten Commandments in Joburg. And only in get-rich-quick Egoli would the breaking of the seventh commandment - "thou shalt not commit adultery" - be turned into an increasingly lucrative business.

A dating agency which arranges affairs between singles - and, yes, married people - is doing a brisk trade.

Called 'about lovers', the service has been running out of a Johannesburg home for the past four years. It has successfully partnered hundreds of married and single people seeking non-committed platonic or sexual relationships.

The owner of the service, who is known to her clients as Cherie, is no typical madame either.

As a retired businesswoman and holder of several degrees, including a masters in psychology, Cherie says the service she offers is one that, in a highly confidential fashion, helps people to do what they would do anyway.

The rationale behind the agency

The rationale behind the agency may seem highly questionable but, according to Cherie, she has discovered through research that most people crave change at some stage of their lives.

"It is an innate and undeniable characteristic in the human make-up to lose interest in a long-term partner at some stage or other. As much as you may still truly love your partner, the need to seek variety and passion is one that often cannot be subdued," she explains.

Cherie, who is divorced, says the idea to start the agency was in no way related to her own failed marriage.

"I have always been interested in the way relationships work. The idea of starting this service in South Africa came to me on a trip to New York.

"I was reading The New York Times when I came across an advertisement offering the same service. I visited the woman in charge and she gave me a breakdown of how it should run. This has always been a professional decision, and it's a lucrative business venture. I saw a niche and I decided to fill it," she says.

A unique service in South Africa

As 'about lovers' is probably the only such service in the country, this niche has been carved out extremely well.

Cherie says serving her clientele could be equated to "running a small army", with requests from as far away as Cape Town and Durban. At a cost of R950 for three months or R1 500 for six months, she introduces divorced, married or single people wishing to get involved in affairs.

The personalities on offer range from the "alpha male" - the Bill Clinton type with a high social standing and a big libido - to the average businessman. With women, Cherie finds that married professionals have as great a need for this service as do account clerks or personal assistants.

So, why do people join?

"But the reasons why people join," she explains, "are almost always the same. With men, the belief system is simple and uncomplicated. Since biblical times, it has been true that sex is very often the core of a male's identity.

"The ability to elicit a response from a member of the opposite sex proves, not only to himself but to other males, the strength of his own sexuality and masculinity."

According to Cherie, in the course of her own experiences, the need for a male to prove his masculinity is one that exists all through his life.

"I know of a middle-aged man who came to me in need of a few introductions. Unbeknown to me, he had set up two dates in one night. His explanation was that, as a youngster, he was able to bed several women at a time. In order to prove he was still the man he was several years previously, he needed to get responses from both these women.

Another man I know chooses to have a mistress in Johannesburg as well as a wife and a mistress in Cape Town."

Women stray too

Women who stray, however, often do so for completely different reasons. Married women account for between 10 and 15 percent of Cherie's clientele - a figure that is steadily rising.

Cherie says married women also have needs that must be fulfilled.

"While men see a vast difference between love and sex, and believe that the two can be separated, a woman sees both these aspects as two sides of the same coin. She needs constant affirmation that she is attractive, which to her is a significant expression of love. When she believes this may be lacking in her relationship, she often seeks it elsewhere.

"Sometimes, the need to feel desirable can be stemmed through a mere flirtation in the office. At other times, the need is far stronger, and will be affirmed only by the attention of someone other than a partner," she adds.

Sally's experience

For some women, the need for excitement is just as strong as some men's desire. One such woman is Sally, in her late 30s, who craves adventure.

"There is absolutely nothing lacking in my marriage. I love my husband and he takes care of all my sexual and psychological needs. I just needed something different," Sally explains.

And the most intriguing part? "My husband knows about my joining the service and supports me fully. We discussed it openly and he is behind me all the way.

Initially there were a lot of nerves to overcome but right now I keep all my meetings platonic. My husband knows about all of them and even stays in the vicinity to ensure I'm safe. When the need arises to go further, I will make the decisions when they arise."

Sally adds that if she were forced to stop right now, she would be perfectly comfortable doing so. "These few experiences have given me a whole new outlook. I feel more desirable and feminine than I have in several years."

And if her husband chose to join the dating service? "I really don't know," she says. "I guess I would have to reciprocate the favour. But I don't think I could ever be as comfortable with this as he is."

However, the understanding between Sally and her husband is by no means typical of most married couples.

While many religious leaders stress the need for monogamy and warn of the evils of adultery, Cherie believes monogamy is a myth.

"I've seen and examined all the reasons why an affair should not take place and I have come to the same conclusion every time. Marriage counselling is a myth, too; the seventh commandment could only have been made if these acts were taking place in biblical times as well," she adds.