Letter from Cherie, the owner

Dear All

If you are typical of a male member of 'about lovers' you are probably quite happily married or involved with no intention of breaking up this relationship.The reason you are here though is that you need something more –rather than instead of that relationship.That something is-variety,novelty,stimulation or passion from a member of the opposite sex.

You are looking to connect with someone who doesn’t know you all that well with all your particular traits-idiosyncrasies, strengths and weaknesses. You wish to explore latent parts of yourself which your partner simply does not bring out in you or even know about.

Relationships no matter how good accumulate baggage and over the years the way you are seen by your partner becomes more and more inflexible and resistant to change.It is possible that you married young and were, for example, shy and withdrawn then. Now however you have grown into a confident and outgoing adult but this is not seen by your partner at all-you are still perceived as that retiring youngster.In order to express who you really are now this needs to be explored with a new person in a new relationship.

Another thing I hear a lot is that one’s partner has simply’ lost interest’ in the physical side of the relationship.This is usually treated as if this is some sort of individual malfunction and nothing to do with either the relationship itself or the other partner. This is of course rarely the case. Once again it often has to do with rigid and familiar patterns set early in the relationship.Memories of past hurts,insults and the resentments these trigger play a large part in desire and libido as well. So do habits and repetitive routines ie all the usual currency of familiarity and close contact over time with another person.

It also seems to be an unfortuneate consequence of marriage that both parties cease the journey of discovery and exploration of the other assuming that they know everything they need to know . Why would they have got married otherwise,right? Not necessarily but when there is someone new and exciting who comes along with a fresh and open mind, none of the baggage of the relationship, and who sees qualities in oneself ignored by one’s spouse such as playfulness,a sense of adventure, wit and wisdom.... this experience can actually lead to personal growth.These qualities need to be seen and appreciated before they can become an integral part of you.

None of this has to lead to the break-up of a long- term relationship in fact it is my experience, since I have been running this business, that an affair can save a marriage rather than cause its dissolution.There is the issue of deception though because, if revealed, an affair can definitely lead to divorce.

Cherie
'about lovers'